I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents