Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

She was REALLY feeling it.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt