Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season