I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
3% human
97% stress
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”