I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Saw your ex at the shops
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games