I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You Might Also Like
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
my professor scared me for a second
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
welcome back
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.