I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names