Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

This is amazing.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.