Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Don’t touch that.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

I’m not proud

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges