I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say