I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You Might Also Like
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.