I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Breaking news:
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed