Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Snapes on a plane.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

ㅤ

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.