I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup