Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

How to draw a duck

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly