Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Hello Twits.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”