Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

That’s commitment

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.