Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

another case of gang violins

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?