Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss: