Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

I believe the plural is “milves.”

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

You know…for fall…

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.