People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
one last job
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso