Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Well, shit

😩😩😩

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?