“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes