“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
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stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”