I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
bat life
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
