I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.