Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Everyone’s family

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Oh the world we live in…

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.