Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

there has never been a better use of this meme

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas