Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when I try to be useful

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

I’m having an out of money experience.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Here’s a meme

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?