Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Netflix: We have Less

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.