Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Any refunds available?…

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*