@sixthformpoet

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

- @sixthformpoet

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@ClichedOut

Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.

@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

@Rich_McCarthy

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

@StellaRtwot

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@david8hughes

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

@BryceElder

Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.

@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

@

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.