I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
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kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Trying
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”