Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?