Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

his wife is probably gonna see that

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR