Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Room with a view.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.