Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

My birthstone is a marshmallow.