Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Called it

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

That’s classic.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.