I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.