Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.