Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

October 31

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’