I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
finally found a reasonable question
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
