I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess