I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
