Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn’t even 127 yrs old. Don’t be ignorant.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
I haven’t even given you my order yet
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love.
Going against all the odds, they got married & that’s how we have camels.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.