I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”


Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills


Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.


Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store


Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.


Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?


GENIE: i want infinity more bananas


GENIE: do u see how annoying that is


waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine


My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…

…and now he’s refolding them.