I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
You Might Also Like
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up