@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

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@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

@findmydolls

In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn’t even 127 yrs old. Don’t be ignorant.

@Reverend_Scott

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

@Hobo_Splendido

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

@SequelsWeWant

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

@iGreenMonk

Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love.

Going against all the odds, they got married & that’s how we have camels.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.