I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Worst Native American name ever.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Spell check is for lasers.
Yep.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.