I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads