im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer