im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
same bro
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”