im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The old gods are rising again.
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice