Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

You can’t rush stupid.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.