Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.