Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”