Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.