Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

This guy gets it.