Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

me as a parent

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.