I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
You Might Also Like
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.