Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

That de-escalated quickly

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.