“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
synchronized noseblowing
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”