One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
You Might Also Like
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative