Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk