I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”