I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.