I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?