“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
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*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.