“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
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Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Oh my God.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots