Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Ovenable?

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.