Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

Bed should get ready for ME

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!