I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday