I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!